


It's Just One Kiss (And Then It'll All Crash Down)

by Irissswests



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Mild Smut, Super angsty, Using each other for sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-18
Updated: 2016-08-16
Packaged: 2018-07-24 16:56:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 19,379
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7515932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Irissswests/pseuds/Irissswests
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I can’t do this anymore.”</p><p>“Do what?” she asks though she already knows the answer. She tries to ignore the sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach, the fear clawing at her. </p><p>“This,” he gestures between them. “Us. You.”</p><p>Following the singularity and Eddie’s death Barry and Iris stop speaking, they avoid each other at all costs. Only Iris wants to know why, why Barry won’t look at her. A confrontation leads to sex, and they begin a friends with benefits situation, only they aren’t really friends at this point, they are just using each other for sex and they both know it can't last. </p><p>Three parts (Then, Now, and After)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Then

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from the song Insecurity by Scars on 45. 
> 
> This totally got away from me so I decided to split it up into three parts. This part is the "then" following the singularity.
> 
> Smut is not my strong suit, so hopefully this is okay.

**Then**

They’ve been avoiding each other.

She knows Barry blames himself for what happened and for a couple of days she blames him too. It’s his fault Eddie’s dead, his fault that Eddie felt the need to kill himself to stop Eobard Thawne. She convinces herself that it’s Barry’s fault. And it helps her for a little while, but she can’t keep it up. Because she knows it’s not his fault. She can’t really blame him. She blames Eddie. Hates him for leaving her, for thinking killing himself was the only option, that it made him a hero, because all he wanted was to make a difference. Really it’s easier to hate him, to blame him than to allow herself to _feel_.

But it’s been a month and Barry still won’t look at her. Any time he sees her he turns to leave. It’s like he can’t stand the sight of her and it physically pains him to look at her and it makes her feel like she’s done something wrong. And it hurts more than she ever thought it would.

She can’t look him in the eye either.

Because in the darkest part of her she’s _happy_ he’s alive. Happy that she didn’t lose him. Because she doesn’t know what she would do if she lost Barry.

They haven’t spoken since the night of the singularity when he apologized to her and she couldn’t find any words to say to him. All she wanted was to be left alone and to sleep it all off. She wonders if he thought she blamed him then, if that’s why he’s so distant now.

He was at the funeral. She wasn’t sure he would show up, but she could feel the weight of his gaze on her and when she turned around there he was. Standing in the back looking completely out of place, clearly uncomfortable with his hands stuffed in his pockets, like he would rather be anywhere else. But he held her gaze for a few seconds and she could see the guilt on his face, could see how sorry he was. She couldn’t look at him for that long it was too much. The next time she turned around he was gone.

It’s not hard to realize they aren’t speaking and she’s sure her dad catches on real quick. Especially when she moves back into the house and he moves out. Going through Eddie’s apartment, _their_ apartment hadn’t been easy. Going through all of his things, her things, their things. Knowing he wasn’t coming home. The first couple of days she could barely look at anything without wanting to cry, but she eventually managed to get through it by detaching herself from the situation, by pretending she wasn’t going through her dead boyfriend's things. He left the apartment to her. But she knew she couldn’t stay there without him, that it would be too much, she didn’t want to be alone. So she came back home.

But it doesn’t feel like home. Not anymore. Not without him.

She misses her best friend. Misses having him around. His presence around the house was always something she never knew she needed until he was gone. And honestly she just wants him to come home. Even though she’s not ready to talk about everything that happened doesn’t mean she doesn’t want to talk to him, doesn’t mean she doesn’t want him around.

She’s having dinner with her dad when the door opens and he comes in. He sees her at the table and she watches his face. Sees the panicked expression, watches his eyes go wide, he wants to run. Clearly he doesn’t want to be in the same room as her and this time she’s pissed. Pissed at him and pissed at her father for inviting him and not telling either one of them. But she holds it in. Now is not the time to blow up on either one of them.

Dinner is awkward.

But really that’s an understatement. Her father tries to keep a conversation, but it fails miserably, considering they are only giving him one-word answers when he asks them a question. The only time they look at each other is when they know the other isn’t looking. She spends most of the meal looking down at her plate moving her food around with her fork, having lost her appetite the moment he walked in the door. She doesn’t dare look up when she feels his gaze heavy on her. But when she feels it’s safe enough she raises her eyes, he won’t look at her when he knows she’s watching him.

She watches as he looks down at the table, his food is gone, but he looks ready to bolt any second. That’s when she notices how tired he looks and she wonders if he’s been sleeping. For a moment her anger fades and she wants nothing more than to help him, to make him understand that she doesn’t blame him that she’s there for him. But she knows if she tries he’ll shut her out because he thinks it’s for the best, which is complete bullshit.

Then all of the sudden there’s a screech of his chair scraping against the floor as he pushes himself away from the table. She raises her eyes to him, but he’s looking at her dad.

“Thanks for dinner,” he mutters. “But I should go.”

 _Look at me!_ She screams in her head. But of course mind reading is not one of his powers. She’s convinced that he’s leaving because of her, because he can’t stand to be in the same room as her. And she’s furious.

The door slams loudly behind him making her jump ever so slightly and she continues to pick at her uneaten food with her fork. She can feel her father’s eyes on her.

“Iris,” her dad begins and that’s all she allows him. She throws her napkin down on the table, her fork clattering on her plate. She can feel her anger vibrating through her and she’s never wanted to hit anything so badly in her life. But she keeps herself in check, fingers curling into her palm so hard that they probably break skin.

“What the hell were you thinking? Asking him here? Not telling either of us? Clearly we don’t want to be the same room. I can’t believe you did this to both of us. I-I can’t look at you right now. So excuse me, I’m done.”

And with that she storms out of her father’s house. She feels a little bad for leaving like that and for yelling at him. She’s aware he didn’t deserve all of that, most of her anger was at Barry and not her dad and it wasn’t entirely his fault she knows he was trying to help even if it was a bit misguided. She promises to herself that she’ll apologize to him in the morning.

She goes to the bar deciding that she needs a drink. Or two. Or more. So she has a few and curses Barry as she does. This is all his fault, really. Curses him for making her feel this way. For making her question herself, for making her feel like _she_ did something wrong, that it’s all her fault he can’t be in the same room as her. Somewhere in her alcohol addled mind she decides she needs to confront Barry because all of the sudden she’s catching a cab and giving the driver his address.

The next thing she knows is that she’s standing outside his apartment knocking loudly on the door. She wants him to hear her, and she doesn’t give a shit if he’s sleeping she needs to talk to him now before she loses the courage to, before she sobers up.

He opens it not even a minute later and is clearly shocked to see her, but then he shifts his eyes away looking anywhere but at her _,_ the floor, the walls, right behind her, just off to the side. And that’s what pushes her over the edge. Fueled by the alcohol she starts yelling.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” she screams and she doesn’t miss the way he takes a step back from her.

Good. He should be afraid of her. She’s done keeping it all in. Done being quiet and pretending that he isn’t hurting her, done passing it off as his way of grieving. Because this is fucking ridiculous.

She steps closer to him. “Why the fuck won’t you look at me? Did I do something wrong? What did I do Barry?” Finally his eyes find her and she sees the regret on his face, but she doesn’t care he needs to know how she feels, how upset and hurt and pissed she is. “Why won’t you look at me? Why can’t you be in the same room as me? You know I miss you right? I miss my best friend but for some reason he doesn’t feel the same way, he doesn’t want to be near me. And god, I want to blame you. Blame you for-for what happened, but I can’t…I can’t fucking blame you even though it would be so easy. I can’t hate you either, I wish I could, but I can’t. Why can’t I hate you?” she finishes in a quiet voice.

She’s standing much closer to him than she thought she was, she must have stepped towards him as she was yelling. She’s close enough to feel his body heat. And he’s looking at her, he hasn’t stopped since she started screaming at him and his eyes are burning into hers and all of the sudden she feels sober.

Then before she can think through what she’s about to do she’s grabbing his shirt in her fists and pulls him just the slightest bit closer to her so that their bodies can touch, he stumbles slightly at the sudden motion, but she doesn’t care and she doesn’t give him time to question her because she’s dragging his face down to hers and she’s kissing him.

He’s frozen for only a split second and then he’s kissing her back, fingers gripping her waist tightly. His mouth his hot and needy and eager all at the same time and she holds tighter to his shirt needing something to keep her steady. And when she tangles her tongue with is she’s lost all logical thought.

Holy hell.

Her hands move on their own and for the hem of his shirt and that’s when he stops, pulling his mouth from hers and taking a step back.

“Iris, stop.”

She rolls her eyes. Something about that kiss ignited something in her and she wants more, needs more. And right now it doesn’t bother her that she’s thinking about _Barry_ this way.

“Why?” she challenges. “Why do you want to stop?” Because she’s pretty sure that considering the way he was just kissing her that he really doesn’t want to stop. She knows he’s stopping for her sake, but she wishes he wouldn’t.

She sees him swallow as he tries to answer her carefully.

“Are you sure we’re doing this for the right reasons?”

There it is. And she knows without him saying it that he’s talking about Eddie. That he’s aware she may be using him when she’s not over Eddie. And maybe it’s true. She’s not over Eddie, and she hasn’t even properly grieved him yet and she really doesn’t want to. But this with Barry? It may have only been one kiss, but she feels more alive than she has since the day of the singularity.

“I can make my own damn decisions, Barry, I don’t need you to decide what’s best for me again. I don’t need you to try and protect me. I want this. And I know you want this.” Boldly she glances down at his crotch where she felt him hard against her. Hard for her. He flushes bright red and she just smirks, pleased with herself. “So please, Barry, just kiss me.”

He searches her face for a moment trying to find something that will tell him that she doesn’t want this, but he doesn’t and she sees the moment when he gives in, when his eyes darken and he reaches for her and she goes to him willingly and then his mouth is on hers, unrelenting and bruising.

He’s not holding back and she’s oh so incredibly thankful for that because neither is she. His hands don’t stay still this time, running along her back and knotting in her hair, angling her mouth against his and sucking on her bottom lip. She moans in to him and reacts by pressing into her and she presses right back. Oh god, that feels so good.

Her teeth tug on his bottom lip and this time he is the one to groan into her mouth. And that’s when she decides that it’s time to take this further. Still kissing him roughly (it’s all tongues and teeth and it’s anything but gentle, but she doesn’t want gentle, this is exactly what she wants) her fingers close around the hem of his shirt and he doesn’t stop her as she begins to lift it up. He wrenches is mouth from her and easily removes it throwing it somewhere behind him and then he assists her with her skirt and blouse all while kissing her desperately in between removing her clothing.

When she’s left in just her bra and panties and he in his boxers they both take a moment to stare. Taking in every inch of each other, every inch of bare skin they can see. This is her best friend she’s about to have sex with and it’s not at all strange. It’s not weird for him to be appreciating her like this or for her to be staring at his body with an open mouth.

Their eyes meet once again and his are shades darker than they usually are, burning with desire for her and for a moment she’s a little overwhelmed, but that quickly goes away when their hands out stretch at the same time and his mouth finds hers and she’s backed against the wall and her legs are winding around his waist and she grinds down on him needing to feel something where she’s aching.

His mouth separates from hers and she lets out a whine until he kisses her neck, teeth tugging her skin and she’s whimpering and she feel the wetness pooling and she rolls her hips harder against his. That’s it. She needs him now she can’t wait any longer.

“ _Barry.”_

Thankfully he gets the hint quickly and sets her down and then the remainder of their clothing is gone at inhuman speed thanks to him and he has a condom in his hand. He gives her a quick look asking her once again to make sure that she wants this and she gives him a firm nod.

Before she can process what’s happening he’s lifting her up in his arms and her bare back comes into contact with the wall. Instinctually she wraps her legs around him again heels digging into his lower back as she lines herself up with him feeling his tip against her entrance and she’s growing impatient so she rocks her hips against his and then he’s guiding himself inside of her, slowly, so fucking slowly. For a moment they are still as she adjusts to him filling her.

Holy fucking hell.

His face is buried in her neck and she can feel his breath hot on her skin. “Fuck,” he breathes out.

She feels full with him inside her like this, but it’s not enough. She needs _more._ She pulls him in for open mouthed kissed needing to do something and then they are moving, slowly at first as they get used to each other before increasing the pace. It’s agonizingly slow and her nails scrape up and down his back because it’s almost unbearable now and she breaks the kiss unable to keep quiet.

“Faster, Barry,” she urges in a breathless voice. She moves her lips to his jaw, nipping his skin lightly. “Please, fuck me harder.”

He growls low and deep in his chest and she can feel the vibration from her head to her toes and then he’s pulling out slowly before slamming right back into and she lets out a whimper, fingers twisting into his hair as he kisses and bites along her neck and down to her shoulder and to her chest.

It’s all to much, his mouth on her the way he’s pounding into her, her back thumping against the wall, the way he’s cursing and whispering name. She’s so fucking close, she can feel the pressure building and she’s in desperate need for a release. She just needs a little bit _more._ She lowers one of her hands to touch herself, but then his hand is nudging hers away and his thumb is circling her clit. And she’s whispering his name, over and over, between cries and moans. His thumb vibrates against her and she cries out louder, ready to tumble over the edge.

He drives into her, grunting her name as his thumb works between their bodies and she comes fast and hard calling out his name.

It takes her moment to recover even then she’s not quite there, but she can tell he’s close, his thrusts becoming erratic, but still hard. She does her best to bring him over the edge, holding tightly to him, kissing and biting his neck, rolling her hips against his, perfectly timed. She whispers in his ear, encouraging him to come for her, gently tugging his earlobe between her teeth. And then he buries his face in her neck his fingers digging into her waist and his hips stutter against hers and then he's falling into her, exhausted. 

She runs her fingers through his hair as he remains in her neck and she tries to catch her breath.

She can’t believe it. They just fucked. She plans on keeping it to herself, but she’s impressed and surprised that for someone so kind and sweet, someone who is always so gentle with her can fuck her hard and rough like that. And she liked it. A lot. And it’s exactly what she needs, to feel something, to release her anger and sadness through physical contact with her best friend. And she could tell it wasn’t just for her, that he needs this too, that he’s been bottling everything up.

As their breathing returns to normal he gently lets her down from his arms and her legs are a little wobbly, but now she’s the one who can’t look him the eyes even when she feels his on her. Shyly, she tucks her hair behind her ear and moves to gather her clothes and get dressed and he doesn’t stop her.

“I should go.”

He nods and lets her go.

She doesn’t regret it, she should, but she doesn’t.

Once she’s back home and alone in her bed she cries herself to sleep. Because on her nightstand is a picture of her and Eddie looking at each other lovingly. And right next to it is one of her and Barry from before the particle accelerator explosion. She can’t look at either of them so she turns the one of her and Barry face down and places the one of her and Eddie in the drawer. Thinking about a time when she was happy, thinking about how she can’t even look at a picture of Eddie without feeling guilty, without feeling like she betrayed him makes her cry harder. She knows what she and Barry did wasn’t right, not when Eddie has barely been dead a month, not when she knows she hasn’t accepted it yet and she’s certainly not ready to move on. But god, it somehow felt right.

And she hates herself.

* * *

She told herself that it wouldn’t happen again. That it was a one-time thing. It couldn’t happen again. It was wrong in the first place and they were both broken. It was a moment of weakness. That’s all it was.

At least that’s what she tries to tell herself.

But the problem is she misses him so damn much. And she needs him to get through this, but he’s shutting her out. They haven’t spoken since that night two weeks ago, not that she was expecting anything. She knows he’s carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders.

And honestly she’s not having an easy time either. She tries throwing herself into her work, but everyone wants an article on The Flash. And she really doesn’t want to think about The Flash because that makes her think about Barry and now whenever she thinks about Barry she thinking about him fucking her against the wall. And those thoughts aren’t easy to push away.

Then there’s the fact that she tries her hardest not to think about Eddie. She should be grieving, she should be a crying mess, and she should be doing a lot of things. Thinking about fucking her best friend is not one of them. The truth is she’s afraid. Afraid to truly let herself accept that Eddie’s dead and to herself feel his loss. Afraid of letting everything out, afraid that if she does she won’t be able to fix herself. It’s so much easier to push it away and feel numb all of the time.

She tries to talk herself out of it, but once again her legs and body seem to have a mind of their own because she finds herself outside his apartment door. It’s late. But she hasn’t had the best day; then again she hasn’t had a good since well before the singularity. Since before Eddie was kidnapped, since before she found out Barry was The Flash. And that’s what hurts her the most about this strain between them is they were finally working things through, she forgave him for lying and now it was like it was all for nothing.

Her knuckles knock against the door before she can talk herself out of this, before she can tell herself that this is a really, _really,_ horrible idea he opens the door. The surprise on his face is quickly replaced by confusion. She gives herself a moment to take in his appearance. He’s disheveled, hair a mess and it looks like he hasn’t shaved in a couple of days. He looks exhausted and broken. And at the same time he manages to look _good._

She shoves those thoughts away. “Hi.”

She steps inside his apartment and closes the door behind her. He opens his mouth most likely to ask why the hell she’s here at this hour, but she erases the distance between them and kisses the words right off his tongue. This time he responds right away, wrapping her in his arms, getting her as close as possible. His mouth is demanding against hers, kissing her hard and passionately. Even though she came here, she can feel that he needs this too so she decides to relinquish her control to him.

His hands begin to raise her shirt up and she helps him remove it before the rest of their clothes are gone, scattered around the room. “Need you,” he whispers against her mouth.

Her lips curve into a smile. “Then take me.” She has no idea where the fuck that comes from her, what the hell has gotten into her, but it doesn’t matter.

His eyes meet hers for a moment, like he also can’t quite believe she said that, but when she doesn’t back down, only holds his gaze he smashes his mouth to her, teeth clashing together, tongues battling, it’s messy as he kisses her hungrily. And then he’s lifting her into his arms and he’s about to carry her to the bedroom. For some reason that idea stops her cold. She pulls away and shakes her head. Seemingly he understands her and changes the course choosing the kitchen table instead. She’s a little surprised, but the anticipation is killing her.

The wood is cold against her back as he sets her down, but when his body covers her and he pushes inside her, it’s nothing but fire.

* * *

 After the second time it becomes a thing between them. What’s funny is that even though they are physically as close as two people can be, emotionally they are strangers. Things are strained and really it’s only physical between them. Neither of them are ready to talk about what happened (the singularity and Eddie, not the sex) though they don’t talk about that either. It sucks. It really fucking sucks. And what makes it worse is that they are supposed to be best friends, they are supposed to be able to talk about everything together and here they are unable to do just that because it’s too painful.

So when she’s having a shitty day she shows up at his door and he doesn’t question it. He lets her in and lets her make the first move. Ever the gentlemen. But when she kisses him it slips away and he loses his control and she doesn’t mind one bit, she doesn’t want him to treat her like she’s fragile like she’ll break any moment. But he touches her with a purpose and it makes her feel something other than pain and numbness. When she’s with him she forgets everything, and it’s only him and her for a little while.

They have unspoken rules too.

The major one is no bed. They’ve fucked against the wall, on the table, the couch, the counter, the floor and even in the bathroom but never his bed. Because that would make it too real, it would make it something it’s not.

The few times she spends the night she never sleeps in his bed, instead he lets her take the couch. But that’s only when she doesn’t want to go home, doesn’t want the loneliness to consume her. And when he hands her a blanket he looks at her tenderly, it’s brief, but she holds on to it. He’s always worried about her even when they aren’t speaking. And she’s grateful and sometimes it makes her want to cry because he doesn’t look at her like that anymore, because they’ve lost that part of their relationship. When she does spend the night she wakes up to him screaming. Nightmares. She doesn’t do anything, just lies still staring at the ceiling tears on her face, feeling utterly helpless. Especially when it’s _her_ name she hears him scream. She wants to go comfort him, but she knows that would mean they would have to talk and confront the things neither of them are ready to do. So she just lies there.

The other rule is that it always happens at his place. He never shows up at her door. Mostly because she lives with her dad and she really doesn’t want to have to explain it to him. However, there was one time he knocked on the door of course after making sure her dad was gone. She knows it must be serious if he’s coming to her, that he must really be having a hard time. So she doesn’t ask questions, just lets him take what he needs.

The problem is she uses their arrangement as a reason not to grieve Eddie. She convinces herself that she doesn’t deserve to be sad about Eddie because of what her and Barry are doing. She feels ashamed and guilty for turning to Barry so soon after his death, for disrespecting him. And she can’t grieve him because of the way things ended between them. She loved Eddie she really did and she would have married him because screw destiny. But now after being with Barry she wonders if it really would have been enough. Because she won’t deny there’s something about Barry that draws her to him. Even when they’re fighting. There’s something about him that makes it really difficult not to think about him, but she can’t help it, even though she shouldn’t be thinking about him.  

Some days she wants to talk to him wants to tell him everything she’s feeling and for him to do the same, to allow him to open up to her. She’ll listen she wants to listen. But despite the need to talk, she doesn’t. Doesn’t dare disrupt whatever this thing is between them.

And sometimes she hates herself for using him like this. Because she knows he loves her. And she’s exploiting that knowing he won’t reject her. He doesn’t deserve it because this isn’t going to end well. It can’t. It can’t be anything more than fucking. Neither of them are ready for anything more. It will end at some point and she’s afraid of what will happen when it does. Will she lose him for good? Will he ever speak to her again? She’s afraid to lose their relationship because it’s the only thing she can hold on to tightly. But most of all she’s afraid to lose him.

Really it’s just all so fucking twisted.

 


	2. Now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barry decides "their" thing isn't working anymore and Iris doesn't want it to end. Things aren't as simple as they want them to be and they have one last night together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First, I just wanted to say thanks to everyone who read, left kudos, and commented on the last chapter. They were all greatly appreciated. 
> 
> Second, this chapter is still somewhat angsty, sorry about that. 
> 
> Also, I had the hardest time with the first part of my chapter, but I finally got it my liking enough that I could publish it.
> 
> Lastly, once again smut is not really my thing, but I tried.

**Now**

She can't sleep, doesn't want to sleep and it doesn't help that today has been really shitty between not trying to think about Eddie when everything reminds her of him and not being able to find a new story to write about, she really needs to take her mind off things. She needs him. She won't admit it but it's a little scary how easy it is for her to go to him when she's having a bad day, to rely on him for sex when she needs it because she can't handle it all. Really though she tries not to think about it.

So here she is knocking on his door once again in the middle of the night. When he opens the door he doesn't look surprised to see her, but there's a look in his eyes that she can't quite decipher but she doesn't focus on it too much, he looks just as tired as she his, maybe that's what it is. Regardless of that he steps aside letting her in.

And with the door shut behind her she says nothing and launches herself at him. Her mouth is on his needy and he's not responding the way he usually does, he's distant with his hands placed on her sides lightly, not squeezing her, not moving anywhere. She doesn't let it bother her instead she slows down a little and tries to coax his mouth open. He still doesn't kiss her back.

What the hell?

She pulls away and looks at him. He won't meet her eyes. Great, they're back to that again. "Everything okay?"

"I can't do this anymore."

"Do what?" She asks though she already knows the answer. She tries to ignore the sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach, the fear clawing at her.

"This," he gestures between them. "Us. You."

Her heart drops and it's getting harder and harder for her to breathe, she opens her mouth, but nothing comes out. This shouldn't be a big deal. She should just agree with him and walk out the door. But she doesn't. She can't for some reason because she's glued to her spot. This thing between them was never ideal and it certainly has never been right, but they both agreed to it, she has to know why he's suddenly changed his mind.

"Why?"

He gives her a hard look, one she hasn't been on the receiving end very often. "How did you think this was going to end, Iris? Did you really think it would work out?"

"I-I," she stutters not sure how to respond. She doesn't know how to answer. Logically she knows this would end at some point, obviously they couldn't keep doing it forever. She just didn't think it would be now. Not when she's struggling to cope with, well, _everything,_ not when she feels like she can't breathe unless she's with him.

"You should go," he says. His words are quiet and it's almost like he isn't completely sure of what he's saying, like he doesn't actually want her to leave.

Something inside her snaps at him dismissing her like this without giving her an explanation.

"No," she says defiantly, but in a soft tone.

She has no idea why she's fighting this so much. Why she doesn't want this to end. It was wrong in the first place to use him like this and then to keep coming back, though she's pretty sure he's using her too. But now? Now he's the only thing keeping her sane, keeping her from completely losing it. It's helping him too, helping him not be so consumed with self-pity and guilt, or at least she thinks it is. Maybe it's making it worse.

"Do you want this to end? Do you really want me to leave?"

If he really truly wants to stop she'll walk out. She would never force him to continue if he doesn't want this, no matter how much she needs this, or thinks she needs this.

"I-yes," he hesitates slightly.

She shakes her head at him sadly. She's not angry; she's too tired to be angry. But she knows what he's doing. Trying to protect both of them, thinking what he's doing is for the best. And maybe it is. But she has to hear it from him.

"I don't believe you."

His eyes shoot to hers in surprise. At how much she's fighting this. "Iris-"

"Just tell me why, Barry. Why now? We've been doing this for months, you could have stopped this when we started, so why wait until now?"

She needs a good reason. Even if he doesn't want this to end and he gives her a good reason she'll leave. But she can't walk away yet.

He growls in frustration turning his back to her momentarily rubbing the back of his neck like he does sometimes. It's an endearing quirk that usually makes her smile, but right now it just hurts. Then he's spinning around to face her again.

"You should go," he repeats, but it's not harsh, he just sounds tired.

But she stays where she is. He's avoiding her question and for some reason it doesn't piss her off, but instead of anger there's something she can't quite put her finger on. "Is it me?" she asks quietly. "Do you not want me anymore?"

She has no idea where the fuck that comes from, but suddenly she feels like he's rejecting her and that's something she never thought would happen. She wraps her arms around herself protectively, feeling vulnerable, more exposed than when she's naked with him. She put herself out there with him, like she's never done with anyone else. And she's scared. She doesn't think she could take it if he doesn't want her. Because then what is she supposed to do?

In her head she berates herself for acting like this. For feeling like him rejecting her is the end of the world. She knows she really doesn't _need_ this, doesn't need him or anyone. But this is Barry, her best friend, her best friend who has loved her for years and the thought of him not wanting her turns her world upside down. It's not possible is it? But she shouldn't be so desperate for his affection, for needing him to want her. That's when she realizes just how broken she is right now.

Tears prick in her eyes, blurring her vision. She needs to go. _Now._ Before she breaks down in front of him. He's right. This needs to end now before anything else happens. She's about to move towards the door when he steps closer to her and his face softens and he's looking at her in a way she hasn't seen for months.

"Iris."

She meets his eyes cautiously and he slowly closes the gap between them, almost like he's approaching a skittish animal, but she lets him, and he doesn't take his eyes off her. He comes to a stop with a little space between them.

"Of course I want you. I'm always going to want you." She's surprised at the warmth in his voice. "But not like this. Not anymore. _I_ can't keep doing this when I know how it's going to end. With both of us hurt because we're not ready for this. I know you still love Eddie." His fingers trail along her cheek. "I can see how much you're hurting, I can see it on your face how much what we're doing is tearing you up inside. I know you, Iris; I know you're avoiding it, trying to push it all away. And honestly, I am doing the same thing. But I want you to be happy, and what we're doing isn't going to make you happy. I don't want to see you hurt more than you are, but it's better to do this now, before we start resent each other." He pauses and gives her a sad half smile. "I love you, Iris. But I know you're not going to love me the way I want you to. And I know we can't be anything. There's too much going on and too much has happened. I'm sorry."

His voice cracks and he sounds just as broken as she is. She doesn't want to love him. Doesn't want to feel this way for him. She shouldn't feel this way for him. But somehow she does. Okay, maybe she doesn't love, _love,_ him, but there's _something._ And it's not right because the only thing between them right now is sex (not even friendship). Neither of them are ready for anything more. He's right. They can't do this anymore; they should stop now before they end up getting more hurt when it blows up in their faces.

She looks up at him and a sob passes through her lips because everything is so fucked up right now and she doesn't know what to feel and then he's pulling her to his chest tightly and she cries in to him. Finally lets go in the safety of his arms, and she clings to the fabric of his shirt. This is what she's needed for a long time to be in his arms like this. For him to hold her and comfort her, for her to finally cry. This is what has been missing in the past couple months between them. This kind of intimacy. She holds on to him for as long as she can and he doesn't make a move to let go, which she is thankful for.

Eventually she tilts her head up and without a second thought she crushes her lips to his. It's desperate and messy and they are both crying. She's not sure who's tears she feels on her cheeks, who's tears she tastes, salty on her lips and tongue. But she doesn't care she wants one last kiss, something to hold on to.

Of course things never go the way she plans because clearly he has other ideas.

His hands slip under her shirt and his fingers curl into her skin gripping tightly bringing her in closer as his mouth moves against hers hungrily and passionately, kissing her like there's no tomorrow. Like he can't stop, like he can't get enough of her. Then he's lifting her up with ease into his arms and when he carries her to the bedroom and she doesn't stop him.

This time is different. She could tell by the kiss and the way he's holding her like he's afraid she's going to disappear. But what really confirms is when he breaks the kiss and locks eyes with hers looking at her with so much love and heartbreak that it takes her breath away and then his hands are slowly lifting her shirt over her head and all she can do is raise her arms. It's the fact that clothing isn't torn off; they remove each item with care and slowly one at a time. They take their time to kiss, and touch and trace every inch of skin that comes in to view. They take the time to memorize each other. He touches her differently too, with more care, like he knows this it, that he may never have the chance again. There's still a touch of desperation, but there's tenderness, a softness that was never there before because neither of them would let it.

Once they stand completely naked in front of each other she places her palm flat against his chest feeling his heart race under hand, she glances up at him and she knows she should feel uncomfortable, but she doesn't instead she feels _loved._ He smiles at her and then he gently pushes some hair away from her face tucking it behind her ear. "You're beautiful." His words cover her with warmth and all of the sudden she feels a rush of affection for the man in front of her and she reaches up holding his jaw between her fingers and brings him down for a soft kiss.

And for a moment they just kiss, they don't touch each other, they kiss slowly like they have all the time in the world and she lets herself get lost in the way his tongue twists with hers, the way he takes her upper lip between his, the way he tastes. Soon his hands trail down her arms before resting on her back drawing her in so she's flush against him, a low moan escapes him at the feeling of their bodies pressed together, her nails dig into his shoulders.

The next thing she knows he's picking her up once again and carrying her to the bed and lays her down gently on the mattress without breaking the kiss. His body covers her and his lips leave hers for a moment because he's silently asking her if she's sure and she nods. How could she not?

Because she doesn't know how more she can take of him look at her like _that_ she begins kissing a path from his mouth along his jaw and down his neck. Leaving little bites and kisses on his skin and then she hooks a leg around him bring him right where she wants him before rocking her hips into him earning a strangled gasp in response. And she's amazed at the amount of restraint he's showing.

Surprising her he lowers her leg from him and then he's kissing down her neck and collarbone to her chest and he keeps whispering how beautiful she is as he gets lower and lower. His lips brush against the sensitive skin of her inner thigh as she speaks. She lets a shuddery breath in anticipation of what he's about to do. He slips off the bed so he's kneeling towards the edge of it and she lets him pull her close so her legs drape over his shoulders and her impatience is growing with each passing second that his mouth is not on her.

"So beautiful," he murmurs and she can feel his breath on her. Christ.

"Barry stop talk-"

His mouth is on her and her fingers are gripping the sheets for dear life and she doesn't even bother trying to be quiet because holy fucking hell his lips, tongue, and fingers are pretty damn magical. Especially when they vibrate.

He takes his time with her and she realizes that he's showing her just how much he wants her, how much he loves her. Tears form once again as he kisses back her body as her breathing returns to normal, she can feel him smiling against her skin. She doesn't deserve him, not when she can't love him the way he loves her.

She pushes away those feelings as he lifts his head and looks down at her practically beaming and she can't help but smile back at him. And then he's searching his drawer for a condom and they both sit up slightly and he's about to roll it on when she reaches a hand out to stop him.

"Let me," she says and he just nods, mouth open a little bit. That's when she decides that she's going to show him how much he means to her.

Never taking her eyes off him she takes him in her hand, squeezing gently, noting the way he closes his eyes and bites his lip. She pumps her hand a couple of times before rolling on the condom. Grinning at him she pushes at his shoulders so he falls against the pillows, he stares at up at her clearly caught off guard. Taking advantage of that she straddles him and slowly grinds down against him watching the way his eyes squeeze shut again and throws his head back. She can't help but lean down and kiss his throat and down to the freckles on his chest.

"Iris, please."

She stops and he sits up to meet her as she guides him to her entrance. In unison they let out a moan at the feeling. And for once she isn't in any rush for anything. Her eyes fall shut and his hands land on her hips. And for a moment they remain still.

She knows this is it. Know they won't get another chance, so she just wants to remember everything about this moment. Savor the feeling of him inside of her. How he makes her feel whole and alive and not broken like she knows she is.

She opens her eyes and meets his green ones and without a word she starts to rock against him and he responds with his own movements. They find a slow steady rhythm and she is in no desperate need to go fast. She wants to go slow. Wants to take their time. Because this time is different. This is a goodbye.

She links her arms around his neck, resting her forehead against his, wanting to look him the eyes and needing to grab on to something. Just because they aren't fucking fast and rough doesn't mean that this almost excruciatingly slow pace isn't driving her crazy. Because it is, but at the same time it's the best feeling in the world. For a while they rest their foreheads together as they work to meet in the middle. 

And then he's gently leaning her backwards and she goes willingly, laying on her back with him hovering over her. He hooks one leg in the crook of his elbow allowing him to go deeper, to hit her spot over and over with each thrust.

He kisses her face, her neck, her shoulders, her chest. She realizes that unlike the previous times they fucked, this isn't even close to that. And she realizes that this isn't about him, he's doing it for her. He's showing her just how much he loves her with such reverence that it takes her breath away. This isn't fucking. This is making love. And that scares her a bit. And it hurts that this is a one-time thing and that he's pouring everything he has into this. For her to know how much he loves her and she can't love him back because she still loves Eddie and she's not over him.

Her hands pull his face down so that she can kiss him; because honestly she can't stand the way he's looking at her right now. He's smiling down at her, practically beaming. And good lord his smile. There's something about it that makes her insides all fluttery because he's smiling at her. And really she wants to keep that smile on his face. The fact that it's because of her breaks her heart because they can't do this again, she can't keep that smile on his face no matter how much she wants to. But she's determined to show him how much he means to her, how much she cares about him. She kisses him deeply and slowly enjoying the way he moans into her mouth, her fingers scratching lightly at the back of his neck.

Each thrust and each roll of her hips brings her closer and closer. Slowly and surely it builds and builds and she feels the familiar sensation low in her belly of her impending release.

She drags her mouth form his not missing the he way he chases after her so that she can trail kisses up to his ear, remember the way he likes it when he tugs on it.

"I'm close," she whispers in his ear, lips brushing the shell of his ear and he shivers in response.

He pulls back to look at her and she's not quite sure what he's trying to find on her face, because she's not exactly asking him to go faster because they've done that before and as much as she really enjoys that, this, this she likes more. That slow burn leading up to her release.

He hitches her leg up slightly higher and she can't help but buck her hips up to him. At first it doesn't seem like he's doing anything different, but she realizes that now each time he thrusts back into her it's slightly harder and faster than the last one. He slides out unhurriedly, deliberately slowly, teasing her and pushes back harder.

She can't help but cry out, arching up into him, pressing their chests together. She can feel it coming, but she wants them to come together. She knows he's doing this for her, he's being completely selfless, and showing her how much he loves her, how much he wants her. And she doesn't doubt it. She'll never doubt it again. Barry Allen loves her. And she's fucked because god help her she thinks she loves him too.

He presses his chest into her, one hand wandering to her breast gently squeezing it, and she clutches at his back, rolling her hips against his.

So close.

So fucking close.

She can feel that he's restraining himself, trying to hold out for her, but she doesn't want him too. He doesn't need to hold back with her.

This time she meets his thrust by circling her hips earning a groan of her name. Her mouth returns to his ear, teeth tugging lightly and his movement falter ever so slightly.

"Let go. It's okay. Come for me, Barry."

He looks down at her almost questioningly and she just nods with a small smile. He doesn't do anything different, except he pulls out of her completely and she whines, missing him immediately before slamming back into her. He goes harder and she meets him, but some how it still manages to be gentle and tender.

She doesn't fight it, she lets it happen and she feels his movements getting less precise and more hurried. The next thrust has her walls tightening around him and his hips stutter against hers and she cries out and her name is on his lips.

For a moment she wraps her arms around him, bringing him to her and lets his body completely cover hers as he buries his face in her neck, nose rubbing against the side of her neck and she can feel the smile on his mouth. She strokes her fingers through his slightly damp hair as he shudders against her, and his lips brush against her neck, forming soundless words.

_I love you._

She holds him tighter, fingers digging into him a little harder than they should, but he doesn't seem to notice. She wishes he would stop saying that, wishes he would stop making this harder than it needs to be. Because she wants nothing more than to say the words back to him but she _can't._ And it kills her.

He's lying on top of her and his weight is comforting and she really doesn't want to move, doesn't want him to go anywhere. If they move it's over. This brief moment of bliss and happiness will be ruined and she doesn't want that. Doesn't want to be reminding of the real world, what she has to face, what she has been avoiding.

Then he's rolling off her and she wants to pull him back, but he disposes of the condom and comes right backs so now they are both lying on their backs. He's not kicking her out and she's thankful because she doesn't think she could take it.

She hesitantly curls into his side glancing at him to make sure it's okay. They've never done this, cuddled after sex. But for once she wants the emotional comfort And all he does is throw an arm around her bringing her closer so she can rest her head over his heart that is still trying to return to normal. She presses as close as possible, tangling their legs together. Her other arm drapes over his stomach fingers drawing small circle on his skin. His fingers thread through her hair, stroking it lightly, twirling the ends around his fingers.

She makes a promise to herself that starting tomorrow she's going to face her fears, confront her feelings. Start to grieve Eddie. And let Barry do his thing. She's not going to be angry she's not going to be mad at him for ignoring her. But she's going to be there, she's not going to avoid him. She knows it will take time. But they have time. She needs Barry in her life and she's not going to let him, give up easily.

But that's tomorrow, tonight, however, she's going to allow herself this.

This, lying in his arms is the best she's felt in a long time. She can breathe a little easier. She realizes that it's Barry that makes her feel this way. Fucking didn't make anything better it may have been a momentary reprieve, but when she got home she felt even worse. It took her mind off things, but it didn't help. It may have released their pent up anger, but it wouldn't help either of them heal. Now, after knowing Barry loves her, she knows she needs to this herself; she can't push away her feelings anymore. She needs to let herself feel. But she doesn't feel guilty for taking advantage of being in his arms.

Sleep claims her quickly and honestly she knows its because of Barry, it's the steady beat of his hear under ear the rise and fall of his chest, his fingers stroking her hair, the other hand trailing up her spine. It's just _him._

She falls asleep content and almost happy for the first time in a while.

* * *

In the morning things are quiet. She wakes up before him and he's still dead to the world, she watches him sleep and traces the features of his face. He's peaceful for once. He didn't have any nightmares and neither did she. It was the best night of sleep she's had in a long time and she knows it won't happen again.

Slowly he wakes up and her fingers pause their movements coming to rest on his cheek. His eyes meet hers and she smiles at him sadly and he mirrors her. This is it. She holds his gaze for a few more seconds before rolling out of bed and gathering clothes. She gets dressed quickly. A few times she glances over to see him staring up at the celling and not at her. Any other time it would have been cute, but now it breaks her heart.

It feels like they're breaking up and they weren't even together in the first place.

When she's done she stands next to the bed looking down at him with the same sad smile. She tries to fight her tears at least until she's out the door. She tries to ignore the way he looks right now. Sheets covering him from the waist down, chest bare, hair tousled and sticking up in every direct, still looking a little sleepy, really it's sexy as hell.

"I know you, Barry. I know you're shutting everyone out, trying to protect us and yourself. I know you think this is all your fault and no matter what I say or what anyone else says you're going to blame yourself. But you need to know that I don't blame you, I don't hate you for what happened. What we did wasn't the smartest idea, it wasn't the best way for me to deal with things, but now I'm going to focus on me and feeling better." She sighs hating herself for rambling like this. She wanted to make this quick. "The point is when you're ready, when you're done with the self-pity and guilt I'm here. I'm here to talk if you want. I'm here if you don't want to talk. I'm not ready to talk either, but I hope that when I am you'll be there, because you're still by best friend, Bear. I need you in my life and I still want to talk to you. I know it won't be easy. But I'm not going anywhere. I just need you to know you're not alone, Barry," she finishes not sure if she got her point across or not. There's so much more she wants to say, but she leaves it at that and hopes he will at least think about what she said.

It's clear he doesn't know what to say so she leans down and kisses his forehead gently, lingering a few seconds too long and then she turns to leave. She can't see the look on his face, doesn't want to. Because if she does, if she sees the pain in his eyes she won't want to leave and it will only make things worse.

The door closes behind her with a soft click and she leans her back against the wall, hand coming up to cover her mouth to mask the sound of her sobs. She allows herself a minute or two before she straightens her shoulders and heads home.

This isn't going to be easy, she's going to have to confront everything. But somewhere deep down she has faith that it will all turn out okay, because she's not giving up on Barry and she's not giving up on herself.


	3. After

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the events of the first two chapters, this covers Barry and Iris' journey through season 2 .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry that this is so late. I honestly have no idea where the hell this came from. I intended this to be much, much shorter and it just got away from me. It does follow season 2 from Iris' point of view and of course there are slight differences in their relationship in this story. Anyway, here it is the final part. Enjoy!

 

After the morning she walks out things slowly start to get better. It takes time. It's a couple of months before he starts coming around the house occasionally, before he can look her in the eyes and be in the same room as her. They make progress very, very slowly.

At first it's not easy. She starts by going through her things and pulling out the pictures of her and Eddie. She can only look at them for a few seconds, a minute at the most before she has to stop because of all the guilt she feels.

It takes a couple of weeks before she visits his grave. She stands in front of it nervously flowers in her hand. And then she kneels in front of it. She doesn't know where to start.

"Hi Eddie," she says nervously. "I-"

How is she supposed to tell him that she fucked Barry multiple times and may or may not have feelings for him?

But then the words are flowing from her mouth and she couldn't stop them if she tried.

"I'm so sorry. I know you're not really here and I don't know if wherever you are you can hear me or if you even know what I did but I can't keep it in anymore. I hated you, Eddie. For so long. It was easier to hate you for dying, for sacrificing yourself because it hurt so damn much. I love you, Eddie, I do, and I wanted to marry you. And I would if you were here. But I-I made a mistake. Barry and I slept together. And I just wanted to distract myself to feel something and he was hurting too. But now I think I feel something for him. Maybe you were right; maybe it is destiny I don't know. All I know is that I hate myself and you should hate me to for what I've done. And I wish you we were, I wish I could talk to you. I wish you were here to yell at me, to hate me."

She's crying now hard enough that she can't say anything else, she reaches out to touch the gravestone, her fingers trailing across his name.

"I'm sorry."

She's sorry for so many things. For him dying, for not loving him the way she should, for not grieving him until now, for sleeping with Barry. The list goes on and on.

Somehow even though she feels so shitty right now some weight has been lifted off her chest.

But she can't be there any longer. She can't look at the reminder that Eddie is dead, that he's not coming back and all she can feel is guilt and he will never know what she did. Overwhelmed she gets to her feet and leaves.

That night her dad finds her crying in the kitchen. Maybe she's so tired of keeping it bottled up or maybe she just wants to tell him. Either way she opens up to him and tells him everything. Tells him about her and Barry and how she's been feeling.

And then he holds her when she cries because she needs her daddy to help her, to tell her what to do, how to make it better. Because right now she doesn't think it ever will get better, she doesn't think she can ever stop hating herself.

More of that weight has been lifted off her chest and she can breathe a little easier. Her dad doesn't judge her, doesn't tell her what she did was wrong, and he doesn't make her feel bad for her actions. He tells her that eventually she will realize that what she and Barry did was only a mistake, and it's okay to forgive herself. That Eddie would forgive her. And she's not sure if he would, and that only makes it worse. But she knows he's right. She can't keep punishing herself for a mistake. And that's what it was a mistake. It helps that she knows her dad is on her side that he'll support her no matter what.

* * *

It isn't until the day Barry's dad is released from prison and then decides to leave town that they finally talk. She can't imagine what he's feeling. He just got his dad back, after years of being determined to set free and he finally did it and now Henry is leaving town. She understands why, but her heart aches for Barry because she had seen how happy he was when they came through the door.

She had watched them, watched the way Barry's face fell when Henry told him the news. So once they left and everyone else cleared out she decided to wait for him. Not wanting him to be alone, wanting to be there for him.

She had really turned things around lately. Now she was determined to help Barry.

A couple hours later Barry comes through the door. Clearly longer than it should have taken but she figures he took his time. He sees her on the couch and she watches his shoulders sag as he tosses the keys on the shelf by the door.

Without a word he plops down on the other end of the couch. Neither of them speaks. She knows she can't say anything to make it better and she's sure he probably doesn't want her saying anything. So she just reaches over and squeezes his knee gently as her way of saying _I'm here._

He looks over at her head resting against the back of the couch, looking so sad and broken.

"He was right," he mumbles quietly.

She frowns slightly. "Who was right?"

He let's out a huff of air turning his head so that he's staring up at the ceiling. She doesn't take her eyes off him and waits patiently for him to answer.

"Wells, Thawne whoever the hell he was."

She can't help but tense at the name. She's better now. She can hear and speak Eddie's name without wanting to cry. But hearing the name of the man who caused so much hurt she doesn't think she will ever get used to it ever not feel hatred toward the man.

But for now she pushes those feelings away and listens to Barry.

"In the video he left admitting that he murdered my mom he said that I would never be happy and I can't help but feel that he's right. I mean my dad was just released from prison. And he's leaving. I thought we could be a family we could move on together. I just-" He stops clearly frustrated with himself. "That night when I went back in time to save my mom," he swallows and pauses for a moment.

She holds her breath, realizing he's finally ready to talk, he's going to tell her what happened that night. She's always wondered what happened, why he didn't save his mother.

She listens as he describes the night he went back to save his mom. How he had come so close, but his future self had stopped him, how he listened to his mother being murdered, how he knelt next to her and reassured that he was okay, that his dad was okay, how he stayed there until she took her last breath. She feels her own tears on her cheeks, her heart breaking for him. For keeping this on for so long, for not telling her what he went through. Losing his mother a second time. But she stays silent wanting to comfort him but thinking better of it.

Then he continues on and she listens as he screams and rages and cries over everything that has happened. As he blames himself and calls Eddie and Ronnie the heroes and not him she holds him tightly and doesn't say a word until he's done.

He stops and looks at her helplessly and so she pushes herself off the couch and stands in front of him, fingers grasping his chin lightly forcing him to look at her.

"Look at me," she says gently and he does. "You're hero, Barry. You're a hero to me, always have been, always will."

She presses a soft kiss to his cheek, lingering ever so slightly and then she pulls him in for a hug and she feels his body shaking against hers and she tightens her arms around him. She lets him cry, let it all out, knowing he needs this, he's kept this all in for so long. And finally his body relaxes against hers.

"I'm here, Barry," she tells him. "I'm right here."

He nods against her neck before speaking. "What we did. I needed that just like you needed me. I don't regret it. But it wasn't right and I didn't want you using me when you couldn't grieve Eddie. I knew you were hurting and I wanted to be selfish but I couldn't be anymore."

She takes a step back and looks at him. And then it's her turn.

She tells him everything, well not everything, not how she's been so confused about how she feels about him. But she tells him everything else and in the end he returns the favor. He holds and comforts her. He reassures her that they are okay, and promises not to shut her out again.

* * *

Her mother is alive.

Her dad drops the news on her after lying to her for years, for almost all her life. Her mother is alive and wants to see her.

She doesn't know what to do. Doesn't know what to think.

So naturally she goes to talk to Barry.

Despite the progress they don't talk much, but she knows he's there, that he'll listen. She makes sure her dad isn't home, she doesn't think she can look at him right now because she doesn't know what she'd say and she really doesn't want to say something she'll regret.

But Barry is there on the couch when she comes in. He looks up at sees her and gives her a look.

"You know," she says with a sigh. She's not mad; she's too tired to be mad. It's not his fault anyway.

He nods and is about to get to his feet, but she just shakes her head taking a seat next to him. The photo album is still sitting on the coffee table. She grabs it and opens to the page with the picture of her and her mother. She runs one finger along the picture gently and wishes she could remember when it was taken.

"I don't know what to think. What to feel," she tells him defeated. He says nothing but his hand covers her and she takes comfort in it. "I thought she was dead. I thought my mom died when I was a child. But she's alive. She's been alive all these years. And my dad kept her from me, lied to me! My mother is-was a drug addict. And I don't know what's worse that I could have had her in my life or that I called the police on her when I was kid. Where was she when I needed her? When I got my first period? When I had my first crush? First boyfriend? Don't get me wrong dad did a great job with me, with us, but I-" she stops trying not to let the tears fall. "I don't know what to do."

She looks to him helplessly like she wants him to tell her what to do. Like she needs him to tell her what to do.

"Come here," is all he says pulling her to him and she goes willingly letting him comfort her. He rests his chin on the top of her head, fingers running through her hair. "It's okay not to know what to do. Not to know what to feel. You don't have to see her if you don't want to. But maybe you could get some closure. I told Joe last night when he told me that you weren't a little girl anymore that you can handle anything that comes your way. I told him to tell you. I believe, no, I know you can handle this. And I'll support you whatever you choose to do. And look I know it was wrong for him to lie to you, just like I shouldn't have lied to you. But Iris, you're our blind spot. We want you safe even though you can take care of yourself. Don't be mad at him too long."

She nods slowly. She understands and she appreciates everything he said.

She doesn't want to move from the safety of his arms. So she doesn't. They look through the photo album together and she tells him what she remembers of her mother and he listens and asks questions. By the end she decides to meet with her mom.

* * *

After that she doesn't bother him with her problems he has his own to deal with. Like being blind among other things. She visits him in the lab and he tells her he's there for her and she knows he is, but she doesn't want to bother him anymore. She's fine.

But she'd be lying if she said seeing Earth-2 Harrison Wells didn't shake her a little bit. But she trusts Barry and the others. It's just so strange, seeing the face of the man who was the reason for so much pain and suffering.

And then he tells her about Patty and she feels a pang of jealousy. But she tells herself she's not jealous. She can't be jealous.

But Patty's great and they're great.

Really though Patty makes him happy and she's happy for him. They're cute together and he needs something good in his life and even if she's a little jealous (she's not) she knows she's not ready for anything with anyone. She has her mom to focus on and she's truly happy for him.

* * *

She has a brother. A younger brother. And Francine is dying.

And she doesn't know what to do. She keeps it from her father because she doesn't know how he will react. Because she's protecting him. She doesn't want him to be hurt or to feel guilty for not knowing that he had another child. She understands why he lied to her for so many years. And for a while she thinks she might never tell him, but it eats her up inside.

She has to talk to someone get it off her chest. So of course she goes to Barry. And he's with Patty and she's reminded just how well the go together how good she is for him, without all the baggage. She likes Patty and she's perfect for Barry. And she makes him happy and that's what she wants for him. To find some happiness even if it's not with her. Because she knows she can't be that for him. She's dealing with her mother; with knowing she has a brother. And she's not ready to move on.

With Patty gone she tells him she's happy for him and he can't stop grinning.

But her smile falters. She can't keep up her strong front. And he notices right away, knows she's hurting.

He tells her what she's known all along. She has to tell her dad. Has to give him a chance to be a father. Give Wally a chance to have a father. And he promises to support her to be there with her when she tells him, and honestly that's the best thing she could have asked for because she doesn't think she'd be able to do it alone.

* * *

 

Francine dies.

Once again she finds herself knocking on his door. It's the middle of the night and she can't sleep, doesn't want to sleep. Francine has only been dead a couple of hours and she doesn't know what to do, how to act. She tried to reach out to Wally but he's ignoring her and she knows it's better to leave him alone right now. Her dad isn't home and she doesn't know who else to go to, doesn't want to be alone in her apartment.

He opens the door and she's sure he's thinking about the last time she knocked on the door only this time she's knocking on the door of her childhood home when she could easily let herself in.

She told herself she was only here to talk, but there's something about him and she allows herself a moment of weakness. She closes the space between them and kisses him firmly on the mouth. She doesn't deepen the kiss and he doesn't kiss her back, there's only the slightest bit of pressure back on her lips. It's like he knows she's not here for sex and he let's her have her moment. She wonders if he knows about Francine. Her dad must have told him.

She takes a step back, horrified at her actions

Wringing her hands she can't meet his eyes. "I'm so sorry. I-I don't know what that was. I don't know what came over me. That was really stupid. I know we aren't. I just-"

"Hey, hey look at me." His hands find her face directing her to look at him. He gives her a gentle smile. "It's okay."

She nods and feels tears stinging in her eyes, blurring her vision and before she can even realize what's happening he's pulling her to his chest and she's holding on to him tightly like he's her anchor.

"Shh, I've got you, Iris. I've got you."

She gives herself a few minutes to let Barry hold her, to allow herself to be comforted because this is what she needs. And when she's ready she lets him guide her to the couch where she curls into his side, knees resting against his legs. One of his arms wraps around her his hand settling low on her back.

"She's dead. My mom is dead and I, I don't know if I'm sad or angry or what I am. But she's gone and-" she stops not knowing what else to say but also because somehow his fingers have slipped under her shirt and his thumb is rubbing circles on her lower back and she has to fight the urge to shiver.

"I just forgave her. We, we were just starting to get to know each other to start over and now she's dead and I lost her all over again."

She buries her face in his shoulder as his fingers continue to trace patterns on her back and she wonders if he knows what he's doing, but she doesn't dare ask him because it's really comforting.

"I didn't know her. I shouldn't be this sad, but I am. I mean I knew I didn't have much time with her, I wish I had more. I wish I had known she was alive."

She tilts her head up to look at him and suddenly she feels like the worst friend in the world for talking about her mother like this when she knows he wasn't able to save his mother when he went back in time. She should feel lucky that she got a chance to see her mother again.

"Barry," she says in a voice barely above a whisper. "I'm so-"

He shakes his head. "Don't. It's okay. You don't have to avoid talking about it around me, I promise."

She nods. But he's not looking at her and she takes a moment to really look at him and she knows he hasn't had the easiest week either. She knows Patty left and she remembers her dad telling her that the reverse Flash returned. She can't imagine how he felt seeing the man who murdered his mother. Her dad had said something about Barry almost killing him, wanting to kill him, but he couldn't because Cisco was dying. She wishes she could have been there to support him but she had her own problems. But know she's here and she needs something to distract herself.

She reaches a hand up to cup his cheek, thumb rubbing along his cheek. He looks down at her. "Are you okay?" she asks softly.

He shuts his eyes and her hand remains on his face, waiting patiently for him to answer. "No," he answers with a sigh. "I'm not." and she appreciates that he's being honest with her because he could have easily lied even though she would have seen right through it.

She stays silent deciding not to force him to talk, only if he wants to.

"I - she wanted me to tell her that I'm the Flash. And part of me wanted to tell her. Didn't want to lie to her anymore. But I also didn't want to. I couldn't tell her. Couldn't put her in danger. I didn't want her to leave, I was happy with her, even with the lying. But she told me she was leaving and I knew I couldn't stop her so I tried pushing her away. And then the reverse Flash returned and I wanted to kill him so badly, and it scares me how much I wanted to, how easy it would have been, but I couldn't let Cisco die. And now Patty knows who I am, but she's still gone."

She listens to his every word and tries to process it all. And she hates that when things were finally looking up something goes wrong.

"Did you love her?"

She has no idea where the hell that comes from, but she's curious. She prepares herself for the worst. Because there's a part of her that wants him to say no because he still loves her and there's a part of her that doesn't want to be jealous and wants him to be happy.

He looks down at her, searching her face. "No," he says quietly. "I wanted to. I wish I did. Maybe then I would have been able to tell her, maybe I would have wanted to tell her, or fought for us, for her to stay. I could have loved her. But I don't. I miss her, I care for her, but I don't love her. I-" he cuts himself off.

And he's looking straight into her eyes and she has to wonder if he was going to say he still loves her. She's not sure how she feels about that. That thought of him not loving her hurts more than she wants to admit, but she's not in that place yet.

Something passes between them and she wants to kiss him again. She notices him glance down at her lips and she's sure she's doing the exact same thing. But they can't do this. Not when they are both hurting. They can't go there again, not when they've made so much progress. So instead she leans up and presses a lingering kiss to the edge of his jaw. It's a little more than a friendly comforting kiss, but she has to do it before they do something they will regret.

And then she rests her head back on his shoulder and his fingers resume their movements on her back.

She listens to him talk and her eyes get heavy. And soon she's drifting off to sleep with his fingers on her back and the rumble of his voice under her ear. The last thing she remembers before sleep claims her is him kissing the top of her head.

She wakes up at some point and she knows she's not on the couch. Her eyes blink open and the walls are moving past her. She panics and begins to move her body only to realize she's being carried.

"It's just me, Iris."

Its just Barry. And she relaxes closing her eyes again. Then he's setting her down on a bed. It must be his bed because it smells like him. In her sleepy state she cuddles one of his pillows burying her face in it. She's barely aware of him covering her with a blanket and brushing some hair out of her face, fingers trailing along her face. She peers up at him and sees him about to leave; she reaches a hand out to him.

"Wait." he stops. "Please don't go. I don't want to be alone."

He hesitates for a moment but then he's gesturing for her to scoot over and she does and she doesn't give him a lot of time before she curls into him getting comfortable.

"Thank you," She mumbles already half asleep.

"Of course. Thank you too." she makes a noise that she's not quite sure what it is, but he chuckles lightly. "Anything for you, Iris."

* * *

Unfortunately things don't get easier following Francine's death. What with Wally being on the wild side. She struggles a little with the death of her mother, but she moves on.

And then there's Earth 2 and married doppelgangers.

That one sticks with her.

Married.

It's not that she has a hard time processing it. Yeah, it makes her think a little bit. Because not only are they married in the future, they are apparently married on another earth as well. And she can't help but wonder if there are other earths they are married on. And most importantly what does it mean for them on this earth.

When she listens to Barry describe his experience she sees how torn up he is, how guilty he feels for leaving another world at Zoom's mercy. But she doesn't miss that little half smile when she asks, _wait we were married?_ And that little "Mhmm" that follows it.

She can't stop thinking about that. So much so that she goes to Cisco and demands details. She wants to know more about the Earth-2 version of herself, what she was like, what she and Barry were like. And it doesn't take much before Cisco spills everything he knows, including Barry pretending to be Earth-2, pretending to be married to _her_. Okay not her, _her._ But the Earth-2 version of herself and she has to wonder if he still has feelings for her.

Something changes between her and Barry. They flirt at the club. She's shy and he's cautious. She could see how guarded he is. But he's looking at her the way he always has, and she wonders if she's looking at him any differently. And honestly if trajectory hadn't interrupted them she doesn't _know_ what would have happened. Maybe something would have. But she thinks it's best that nothing did.

And then there's Scott. Scott her editor, Scott who hates The Flash. And he likes her, he even asks her out on a date.

At first it scares her. Mostly because of what is going on with her and Barry which is really nothing. And because she hasn't even thought about dating someone else. Eventually she decides it's time to at least try. Because at some point she's going to have to. She can't be afraid to lose someone without getting to know them. She's afraid of getting close to someone only to lose them again.

So she goes on one date. She does it because she knows Barry isn't ready. And she isn't ready for something serious. Because she knows if she and Barry were to get together it would be serious and real and they would have to be all in. And she's not ready for that either. So she goes because this won't go anywhere, but she has to give it a try.

It doesn't go badly. She's nervous and a little quiet. She stumbles around her words, But she likes Scott. He's nice, he's good looking and he really likes her.

But something is holding her back.

Eddie.

She feels like if she really truly moves on she's disrespecting him. After the thing with her and Barry she promised she wouldn't do that again.

She tells this to Barry of course. She swears she hears jealousy in his voice and doesn't miss the slight awkwardness. But then he reassures her that Eddie would want her to be happy, want her to move on. That she could miss out on something great. She can't help but think he's talking about himself. And the way he's looking at her. Honestly she's wondering the same thing too.

That maybe she's still punishing herself for what she did. For betraying Eddie when her heart might actually be with Barry.

Then he shows her the video. She sees Eddie's face again, hears his voice. Telling her he loves her and she loves him too.

And it's exactly what she needs. To know that he wanted the best for her. And she loves him but she's not in love with him any more.

She doesn't go on her date with Scott. She can't. Her heart isn't in it. She can't stop thinking about Barry. His thumbs up and his "Greats" the way she has done when he was with Linda. The way he "forgot" who Scott was. She confides in Caitlin and she's decides she wants to know what it would actually be like to be with Barry.

* * *

Of course things never go their way. Zoom- Jay- Hunter whoever the hell he is takes Wally. And Barry without a second thought gives up his speed for her brother. And she admires him for it, how selflessly he acts. For her. For Wally. But it hurts to see him lose his speed. To watch Zooms hand around his neck as he struggles for breath. And she's at his side immediately, making sure he's okay.

Understandably he's in a funk after that. Losing something that was a part of him for so long. It's almost like last year. But she's determined not to let him shut her out again.

Then they come up with a plan to get his speed back. A really, really stupid one. But it's the only option they have. Only, he's hesitant and she doesn't blame him. But the truth is he needs his speed back if they want any chance of defeating Zoom.

* * *

She stands in front of him in the breach room, having just followed him here knowing he has a tough decision to make. She doesn't want to make it for him, she can't do that. But she has to speak to him, has to tell him how she's feeling, what she's feeling.

She's nervous. Which is something she usually doesn't feel around him, he always makes her feel at ease. But now given the history between them she has no idea how this is going to go, or if this is even the right time to be springing this on him.

"I don't know if I could go through what I went through last time if you get hurt."

The way his eyes search hers it's like he can see right into her like he knows exactly what she's feeling and thinking and she feels exposed and vulnerable but she doesn't back down.

She's terrified something is going to happen to him, that she's going to lose him. And she _can't_ lose him. The thought of what she's do without him is just too much. She needs him plain and simple. Now more than ever. After everything they've been through if she loses him now… She really tries her hardest not to think about that.

He seems to notice that she's lost in thought because then he's saying her name gently and taking a step towards her. "Iris. Are you okay?"

She shakes her head and sees the concern in his eyes. Of course he's worried about her.

"No. Not really," she answers.

"What's up?"

It's now or never.

She can't look him in the eye; she's too scared about putting herself out there.

"I - I've been thinking a lot lately," she pauses and lick her lips. She can feel his eyes on her. "About us." She steals a glance at him and sees his mouth drop open slightly. She digs her fingernails into her palm and decides to dive right in. "I know in the past year we've been through so much, so much shit. But lately I've been wondering what- I know what we did was wrong and that I wasn't in a place where I could even _think_ about anything serious. But now, now that I've had time. Now that I know we were married in the future and on Earth 2. Now I'm ready. And here's the thing Barry, it doesn't matter to me if you're The Flash or not, it's you I want know if I have a future with."

She wrings her hands together and meets his eyes and gives him a nervous smile and he's just looking at her in awe.

"That last night we had together," she looks down momentarily feeling her face heat up. "I felt _something._ I wish I could have loved you the way you loved me, but I couldn't, I wasn't in that place. But I am now. And I want to know what it's like to actually be with you for real, to-to be able to love you the way I've wanted to for a long time now."

His hands come to the back of his head and a smile starts to form on his face and he looks like he doesn't quite believe what she saying. And if she wasn't so terrified of his reaction she might just go up and pinch him and tell him that yes this is real. But she stays where she is.

"Of course that is if you still want to."

 _If you still love me,_ she thinks bitterly.

"Iris…I-"

And all of the sudden she doesn't want to hear what he has to say. Doesn't want to force him to say anything.

"I-I should go," she says quietly looking down at the floor.

And then she leaves before he can say anything else, before he can stop her. Because even if there is a part of her that wants him to come after her, another part of her doesn't, wants him to leave her be. Because he has enough on his mind and she just complicated things further.

Then he's gone. All that's left of him is his suit and she has no idea what the fuck she is going to do without him. Because it feels like her world is crashing down around her.

In the end she's the one who brings him home. She goes into the speed force and he comes home to her and she can't stop smiling and neither can he.

She's everything to him and honestly he's everything to her as well.

* * *

Things are good, she's happy, he's happy. And he kind of asks her out and she says yes. And of course the universe loves to fuck with them because after that everything goes to hell.

Henry is murdered and Barry is hell bent on getting revenge on fighting Zoom and she's scared out of her mind. She's never seen him like this. And she agrees to lock him in one of the cells. She's not sure if he would even listen to her.

But in the end Zoom is gone and everything should be good but it's not.

They kiss on his porch and she tells him she'll wait for him. That she loves him, and he tells her that he loves her and he always will.

But now he's the one who's broken and he's not ready for anything between them. And disappointed as she is, she understands because that was her a year ago. And at least this time they realize what they have is too sacred to screw up by sleeping together.

She let's him go and it's one of the hardest things she's ever done but she knows it's the right thing, knows she has to. And she'll be waiting for him when he comes back. She's not giving up on him. She'll wait for him as long as it takes.

* * *

She tries her hardest not to let his absence affect her. She really does. Because she has faith that he'll come home to her she just doesn't know how long it will take. And most of the time she's fine. But some days it hits her really hard and she realizes that her worst fear has come true. Someone she loves has left her. Again. But she knows it's more complicated than that.

A few months later he comes home.

She's in the kitchen washing dishes humming to herself. She's been doing better lately even though she feels his absence every day. She hears the front door open and close and figures it's her dad or Wally.

"In here," she calls out.

She continues her task but in the make of her mind she realizes that whoever it is hasn't said a word yet. And then she can feel eyes on her and she just gets this _feeling._ But she doesn't get her hopes up. It can't be. Right?

"Iris."

The plate in her hand slips from her grip and hits the edge of the sink and shatters.

Fuck.

But that's the last thing she's thinking about as she spins around. Because there he is. Standing there in front of her giving her a shy smile like he's not sure how she's going to react to seeing him again. And for a moment she's not really sure either.

"What - what are you doing here?" her voice trembles and her hands are shaking.

"I - umm, I missed you and decided it was time to come home to you."

He sends her another unsure shy smile and shrugs his shoulders. And it's so fucking cute. So with a smile she quickly closes the distance between them and rushes to him. She doesn't give him much time to prepare but at least he's fast because soon he's catching her in his arms and crushing her to his body.

She buries her face in his neck and she can't stop grinning. But she can't hold back the tears, that for once - thank god- are happy tears.

The he sets her down and she doesn't want to leave the circle of his arms but she takes a step back anyway.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Iris. I never should have left. I don't know what I was thinking, thinking that you loving me wasn't enough, but I-"

She doesn't want to hear anymore. Doesn't care for his apologies. She knows how sorry he is, she can see it on his face she could feel it the way he held her. She doesn't give a shit how sorry he is. So she leans up and shuts him up with a kiss.

A kiss he responds to quickly, but a little hesitantly. But she places a hand on his neck and steps closer and then he finally kisses her back, deeply and slowly. His mouth curves into a smile against hers and she can't help but smile either.

And then he's pulling away resting his forehead against hers.

"God, I love you, Iris," he breathes out and she can _feel_ his words with every fiber of her being. "And I'm an idiot for leaving you."

She smiles thumb rubbing along his jaw. "Yes you are. But you're lucky cause I love you too."

He shakes his head looking at her in amazement like he can't believe she's real. "I don't think I'm ever going to get tired of hearing you say that."

She grins at him. "Good. Because I plan on saying it a lot."

And she does. Because they are finally ready for this. She wants him to know that she loves him.

* * *

It's been a year since Eddies death.

A long fucking year.

And she feels a lot better now.

She looks down at his grave. "I miss you, Eddie. But I've forgiven myself now. I'm happy with Barry and I'd hope you'd be happy for me."

She kisses her fingertips before placing them against the headstone.

And then she makes her way to where Barry is. In front of his parents graves. She pauses and watches him from the distance. He stands in front of the now shared headstone head bowed down. She decides to give him more time and she's about to turn when he raises his head and his eyes find hers almost pleading with her not to leave. And she's amazed that he knew she was there. Before she knows what she's doing her legs are moving towards him and of course they naturally gravitate to each other.

She's at his side. Silently she takes his hand and holds it tightly. And does her best to give him all her strength, because she knows this is hard for him. She offers him as much support as she can because he's done the same for her. He had offered to go with her to Eddies grave but she insisted she could do it alone.

He finishes and turns to go but she stays where she is. "Give me a minute?" she asks. And he nods and takes a few steps back.

She moves towards the grave and looks down at them. "Nora, I'm so sorry you were taken from Barry so long ago. I wish I had known you better. Henry, I wish I your life with Barry hadn't been taken away. But I want you to know that I love your son and I promise to look after him."

She turns to Barry who is watching her with tears in his eyes and she knows he heard every word. She walks up to him and he pulls her into a hug.

"Thank you."

"Of course. Come on let's go home."

* * *

Over the course of the next year things are good. Really good. It's not easy by any means, but they work through it together. But really she's doesn't think she's ever been happier. And she knows Barry is happy too. And she knows they both deserve it considering what they've been through in the past few years. So much hurt and pain and heartbreak, but now things are good. And she tries not to think about what the future may bring, she tries to stay in the now and be happy with what she has.

The now includes moving into a new apartment with Barry. They're going to be living together and she couldn't be more excited. It'll be different, but at the same time he practically lived at her apartment the last couple of months.

Now they stand outside the door of their newly acquired apartment. They aren't fully moved in yet. They have what they need for the first night and there's a ton of boxes ready to be unpacked in the living room. But she's not worried. Not when they have his super speed to help move things along.

With an arm around his waist she let's him unlock the door. They had just gone out to eat and they would be spending their first night together in the apartment.

Once inside they stand there for a moment taking it all in. And she can't quite believe. This place is _theirs._ Their home, they can make it be whatever they want it to be. And she can't wait.

She glances up at him and catches him watching her.

"What?" She asks.

"Nothing," he says. "Just thinking that we've come a long way in the late couple of years."

She nods. "Yeah we have."

"But now that we live together we won't be able to show up on the middle of the night for sex anymore."

She lightly smacks his arm, but she can't help but smile. Because it's true. They can't do that anymore. They had done that a couple of times in their relationship. Mostly because he still lived with her dad and they really didn't want to have sex under his roof. So it had been him who showed up at her door, sometimes she would send him a text to come over. However, she still managed to do it when she knew he dad wasn't home. That was one of the reasons they wanted to get their own place.

"Shut up."

"I can't help it that you found me so irresistible that you wanted to jump me in the middle of the night."

She hits him again and glares at him. Mostly because he's kind of right. Some nights she just _wanted_ him and couldn't wait. So she'd actually throw rocks at his window.

"Hey, I'm not the only one. You did it too. More than me I might add."

She thinks he might be embarrassed but he just pulls her close and looks at her in _that_ way.

"That's because my girlfriend is so beautiful I just can't help myself."

And she's the one who flushes. Because even though he's teasing her she knows he's also incredibly serious.

For a moment they just stare at each other and she swallows as she reaches out to take the fabric of his shirt in her hand. Licking her lips she looks down for a moment and turn back up at him to see his eyes darken.

"And what about now?" her voice is low as she asks him, waiting for his answer hoping that it's a good one because she wants him.

He smirks at her and that does all kind of things to her. "Hmm," he steps closer so that their bodies are pressed together. "I think," His hand rests on her waist and slowly slips under her shirt to touch her bare skin. "I think I most definitely cannot help myself."

"Good. Because neither can I."

And then his mouth is on hers and hers is on his and her arms are winding around his neck getting herself as close to him as possible. His hands roam her body never staying in one place for too long. She coaxes his mouth open easily and is rewarded with a groan.

She reluctantly pulls her mouth from his, breathing heavily. "I-" her breath catches in her throat as his mouth descends on her neck teeth gently tugging on her skin; she can't help the moan that escapes her. For a moment she struggles to find a coherent thought. "I think we need to officially break in our new bed."

That gets his attention and he raises his head to look at her curiously and eagerly. Almost too eagerly and she laughs. "Yeah?"

"Yeah." her fingers play with the hair at the nape of his neck as she waits for him to make the first move.

He grins at her. "Do you know how much I fucking love you?"

"Show me," she says in a low voice.

And he does.

He takes her face in his hands and at first he kisses her slowly with all the care in the world, but then it turns hard and demanding with enthusiasm. And she moves her mouth against his matching his pace. The one thing that really gets to her is that there's a softness to the kiss and the softness is there every single time he kisses her, no matter what.

Without warning she pushes his jacket from his shoulders and he responds quickly by pulling his shirt over his head and his hands get to work on her blouse while she tries to get her jeans off.

All while she's trying to shimmy her skinny jeans down her legs he's moving her backwards and she stumbles and almost falls with her jeans now around her ankles, but thankfully his hands on her waist steady her. Momentarily they pause so she can kick the offending fabric from her and across the room to join her blouse and his shirt.

She brings her mouth back to his kissing him deeply. And then all of the sudden her back thumps against the wall and she can't help but giggle into his mouth.

"Uh Barry, the bed is in there." She nods her head towards the bedroom. "This is the wall."

"I know."

But she can't seem to let it go. "Last time I checked a wall is not the same thing as a bed. Because I thought we were going to break in our new bed. I mean I always had this feeling you liked fucking against the wall and really I'm not complaining but-"

"Iris, shut the hell up," he interrupts, he's looking at her with dark eyes and she has to suppress a shiver.

A smile stretches on her face. "Make me," she challenges.

He growls deep in his throat and she can feel it where their chests are pressed together. And suddenly she regrets her challenge because in one quick movement he has both of her wrists in one of his hands and he raises her arms over her head and his other hand cups her through her panties.

Oh holy fuck.

Yeah she's not complaining.

She wants to tease him but the way he's working her with his fingers, vibrating fingers that is, words are not coming to mind and she's a mess and it's all because of him. Her head falls back against the wall and she knows he's watching her, observing her so that he can decide what to do next. And it's a certain crook of his fingers and vibration against her clit that has her coming undone in his arms as he holds her up.

He gives her a minute to recover and she hides her face in his neck breathing him and she doesn't have to look at him to know he has a smug smile on his lips, proud of himself.

"Oh shut up."

She realizes that she's naked from the waist down and he still has his jeans on. That needs fixing real quick.

She looks up at him. "Clothes off."

Before he can react she goes for his belt and together they get rid of his jeans. Then he quickly unhooks her bra and she lets it fall to the floor. And all that's left is his boxers. She slips them off his hips and he kicks them off to the side. And then she's standing closer to him burying her face in his neck.

And then begins trailing her mouth along his neck, biting gently as she works her way up to his ear so that she can whisper, "Bed, _now."_

He lifts his head to look at her and she nods and that's all he needs because he's picking her up in his arms to carry her to the bedroom.

And she just can't help it. But she's in a good mood. "Don't get lost."

That comment gets her tossed onto the bed and she can't help the surprised shriek that comes out of her mouth as he smirks at her. She just rolls her eyes at him. "Oh get over here would you?"

He gladly climbs on the bed and crawls on top of her, body pressing against hers in all the right places and they both groan. With a smile that she can't help but respond with a smile of her own he closes the distance between them once again touching his lips to hers gently this time.

They kiss slowly, there's no rush and this is just the way she likes it. Taking their time with each other, earning soft moans and gasps and sighs. Not that she doesn't like it when they fuck hard and fast, because she does, oh she definitely does, but this way it's so intimate and they can still laugh and tease each other without ruining the moment. And sometimes when things are difficult this is exactly what she needs.

As much as she enjoys kissing like this she needs more and she let's him know by rolling her hips ever so slightly smiling against his mouth as he momentarily freezes. His forehead drops to hers and she does it again and this time he groans.

Then he's reaching for a condom and he fumbles to roll it on as quickly as possible. She resists the urge to tease deciding she's done enough of that tonight. Thankfully he doesn't take too long. Because then his eyes lock with hers and pushing into to her oh so slowly until he fills her completely. They both moan at the feeling her head falls back and he plants kisses along her throat giving her a moment to adjust.

But she doesn't need that long. Even though she wouldn't mind just laying here with him inside her. When he's insider her like this she feels complete. There's something about it, about being connected like this. Smiling at him she moves first rocking her hips against his a shuddery breath escapes him before he begins to pull out slowly, almost completely before thrusting back in.

They find the perfect pace effortlessly probably because they've done this so many times before they know how they want it. It still amazes her that after being together countless times before that she never gets tired of this.

Neither of them speaks. They don't have to. Instead they work together never breaking eye contact. There would have been a time when she would have looked away from the intensity of his gaze, but now she holds it, never once wavering.

There's a moment when he just smiles down at her pausing his movements as he leans down and kisses her tenderly on the forehead. She has no idea where it came from, but regardless it makes her smile and she knows it's just another for him to tell her he loves her. 

He strokes her deeply and she grips his shoulders. This is the point where she can't just stay still she needs something more. So she knots her fingers in his hair tugging him closer so she can kiss him. She feels him smirk against her knowing exactly what she's doing. She tangles her tongue with his kissing him greedily and messy as his thrusts become faster and more urgent. And then he's lifting her up so she's sitting in his lap, legs on either side of his.

Grinning she circles her hips against his and he lets her take the lead breathing out her name roughly. Her mouth attacks his neck kissing and biting and licking as her nails rake down his chest to his stomach. She enjoys getting this response from him, the way his breath quickens and the only thing he seems to be able to say her name. The way his thrusts are getting wilder despite her trying to keep a steady space. Despite all of this she can feel her impending release getting closer and closer and she knows he's close, the way he rests his forehead against hers, eyes closed.

She takes one of his hands in hers and guides it between their bodies. His eyes snap open and lock on her eyes and he knows what he's supposed to. His thumb starts by slowly circling around her clit and she can't help but throw her head back. She tries to keep her motions consistent but she finds herself faltering when his thumb starts to vibrate and a cry escapes her lips. She directs his mouth back to hers for a quick open-mouthed kiss as she feels her inner walls tighten around him, he moans into her mouth.

She pulls her mouth from his to rest their foreheads together her eyes finding his, her hands on his neck. All it takes is one more roll of her hips and one last hard, deep thrust from him and they both let go.

Her body falls into his and he holds her up as they try to get their breathing back to normal. After a moment she presses a gentle kiss to his shoulder before pulling back to look at him. His hand finds her cheek and he smiles at her and she feels her stomach getting all fluttery, she didn't think she would feel that way after a year, but she does, he still has that effect on her.

Once they move and he disposes of the condom they curl up together on their new bed. She lays tangled with him to the point that she's not sure where one begins and the other ends. Her head rests on its spot on his chest right over his heartbeat, his fingers play with her hair. She sighs happily.

"Good choice on the bed," he says.

She laughs as she traces random patterns on his chest. "I thought so. Wanna know what I'm thinking?"

"Hmm?"

"I think we need to break in the rest of his apartment."

His fingers stop their movements and he groans loudly. "I swear you're trying to kill me."

"Maybe I am," she responds vaguely.

But then she smiles and kisses his chest. "Hey."

"Hmm?"

His face is pressed against the top of her head and he's back to playing with her hair.

"I love you," she whispers against his skin. And she can feel the smile stretch on his lips against the stop of her head.

He doesn't say anything but he doesn't need to. Instead she snuggles further into him closing her eyes.

She's close to falling asleep when he speaks again.

"Hey."

"Hmm?"

"I love you."

She loves him and he loves her and really that's all that matters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so happy to have this done. I apologize for any mistakes. I also apologize if I got anything wrong from season 2 it's been a while since I've seen some of the episodes. Anyway, I hope everyone enjoyed this! Thanks for reading!


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